So as I lay here snuggling with my Plushy Darth Vader, I was thinking about what I should post, since I haven't for a LONG time... So I thought maybe I would start blogging again with a blog about why I haven't been blogging. So get ready. This may be a very long post!
Let me start by saying, I, Black Pearl, have battled with depression my whole life. I've tried everything, therapy, booze, pills, weed, prescriptions, therapy, herbal supplements, orange scented lotions and candles, meditation, writing, breathing exercises... I could go on for days. But one of my defense mechanisms for dealing with my issues, and/or dealing with people or situations that depress me, is to NOT deal with them. Basically, I shut down. I lock myself in my room with some chocolate, and sometimes I stay awake for days crafting, or reading or anything that would keep my mind off of how crappy I feel. The up and down winter we had this year seems to have exacerbated this. The dark clouds followed me inside and even into my dreams. But I could never sit down with someone and talk all of this shit out. I feel awkward, and even when I start to tell someone how awful I feel, I end up changing the subject. Everyone has always got their own drama going on, they don't need to hear about and deal with mine as well.
Work has been a roller coaster since the Grill closed last June. I feel like I have had to fight to keep my head above water since I set foot through the door. Whether it be battling with a manager, or coworkers, or with changes in the ownership, my work stress levels are at an all time high. And lets not forget that I work in the service industry. I wait on corporate executives, and lawyers, and bankers all day long. Less than half of whom ever even make eye contact with me, and less than half of the ones that do actually pay attention when I tell them my name. This is not an exaggeration. I actually ask my manager if I can buy my table dessert when they ask for or use my name while I am at the table. This maybe happens twice a month. Maybe. Trust me. I am aware that I am in the wrong line of business. I may appear to be a bad ass, I act like one and I work really hard to maintain that reputation, but I am as sensitive as they come. Be it because of the sign I was born under (Cancer) or just the way my personality developed. People may just be trying to impress clients or friends with how little they value ANY server, but I take it as a personal insult. I will post a blog someday about the worst kind of offenses one sees as a server, but I am going to move on. Basically, my job sucks. I hate it. But I go everyday because I love the people I work with and because I need to have A job. I also like having cash in my pocket everyday.
I also seem to be missing a lot of friends. Some of them fell off the face of the planet, and some of them hurt me and didn't care that I fell off the earth. See, one thing about me that I have a hard time actually speaking out loud about, is that when I get my feelings hurt, I shut down. Also, if you hurt me, I will most likely never tell you.. I absolutely just put that hurt in a box and put it in a different room in my mind. Ok, this is hard to explain without examples.. Last fall a friend asked me to spend the day with them on what would actually be a holiday. They were a good friend of mine, and there was no way I wanted them to spend a holiday alone, so I rearranged my day with my family so I could be with them, and I put a lot of thought and time into preparations for this visit. As my Dad was dropping me off at the house so I could get everything together, I got a text message not to come over. There was a back and forth for a minute, but the gist was, "I don't want to be around anyone right now." No "sorry that you spent less time with your family to spend today with me" no "thanks for thinking about me and caring". I was insulted. I spent the rest of the evening, of a holiday, by myself. Not gonna lie. I let the feeling that no one wanted me around creep in, and then I started to get really upset. Even days later I heard nothing from this person. Actually it's been almost 4 months, and aside from the random mass invitations, I have still heard nothing. But after that, I shut myself off from them. I figured, if they really wanted to be my friend, that they would actually call, or text, or email to see how I was doing. Or to see if I wanted to hang out. The calls, texts and emails never came, which just added a few more scoops of crap to the pile that was already forming in my mind. Even my friends don't want to be my friends..
Two more things you should know about me..
1. I get snarky and sarcastic when I am hurt, but can't actually tell you that I am hurt. (This sort of conversation qualifies as confrontation. I don't do well with confrontation.)
2. I have an inferiority complex. I already believe that I am not awesome enough to hang out with you, and when you do something that reinforces that idea, I stop "bothering" you.
This part is going to be hard, but I am going to let it hang out there, because I would never be able to say it out loud. I am pretty sure my family only tolerates me because it would look bad if they didn't. This is partially my fault, as my already in place, inferiority complex is the main reason for why I think this. Basically, I went away to college, and after a few years, I disappeared. I stopped coming home, I stopped calling, I moved and didn't tell them, I missed important events like birthdays and graduations and hockey games and swim meets and anniversaries. I fell into a pill bottle, and a bar, and didn't come out until I had a moment of heartbroken clarity. I am the unchallenged black sheep of my immediate family. No one ever "got" me, and I never "got" them. In high school, my Mom called my bedroom my "cave" because I hibernated in it. I had very few true friends growing up (if you know what the WBL mentality is, that's not hard to imagine), so I buried my nose in books, and hid from my Mother's disapproval. I was also harboring a terrifying secret. It's not hard to say "I'm Gay" now, but in the 90's, in White Bear Lake, in a family that does not talk about feelings, it was not something I could do. I thought that they wouldn't miss me, that I would call next week. But next week turned into next month, and "I'll be home soon" turned into just for holidays, most of which I was drunk or high to get through them. Do I regret abandoning my family? Absolutely. Can I change it? No. Nowadays, it's my kid sister who's in college. She used to post on her facebook that she was "spending time with my wonderful family" for a weekend away from school. Even though I was less than 25 miles away, I was never asked over for any of these wonderful family days. It used to really sting when I would see those posts. Or pictures that she or my brother put up of fun family times, but I know I deserve it. I abandoned them, and it's only natural that they don't trust me.. It shouldn't surprise me that I am not included, when for years they tried to include me, but I was a ghost. They spent so much time as a family without me, that I'm still not quite a part of it. I've given up on trying to invite them to see me Jeer at roller derby, because they never come. I just wait for the few and far between invitations from them. I can't really expect them to want to be involved in my life, when I never wanted to be involved in theirs. But it's lonely on the outside.
Roller Derby has also been an uphill battle. I only have bouts once a month, but I look forward to that bout like you can't imagine. I have put so much time, and energy, and money, and love into Jeerleading, it would be impossible for me to explain to it's fullest extent. Lack of health insurance has not allowed for me to be a rollergirl yet, so I have put all of that energy into being a Jeerleader, or superfan, if you will. Over the last two years I have spent more money than I care to think about on costuming (each bout has a theme!), uniforms (I own pompoms. Yes. I said pompoms.), and signs. We pay for all of our own things. There is no budget for us. So every piece of glitter, every tutu, every sign, every drop of paint, and gold Elvis costume came out of our own pockets. And without going into gory, dramatic detail, I will say that until recently, we didn't even think anyone cared that we were there. This is also an area in my life where I feel like I have been fighting at every turn. But for some reason, I am still fiercely loyal to the league. Last week, at the bout, Team Jeer was nearly at the bottom of a Team Blue dogpile, when half the team skated over for a group hug and to thank us for what we do. I nearly cried. It was a special highlight of this season, and I will never forget it. I cannot speak for my fellow Jeerleaders, but it's been especially hard for me feeling that Team Jeer wasn't wanted/needed, and then I have only had two friends and my older sister (who I actually convinced to Jeer with me!) come to a bout to support me this year. Some more friends came last year, but it isn't their thing, so they stopped coming. Again, lonely on the outside. Especially when you go out of your way to support them whenever you can. Wow. That sounds selfish. Alright. I am selfish. I don't think it's too much to ask for your friends to support you in something that you love, when you do the same for them..
To all my friends.. Stop getting married and stop having babies. Not being married (not that it's legal here) and not having babies is, for some reason, a subject of shame for me. I had always thought that I would be a wife and a Mom by 30. We can see how well that worked out. I may not be what is considered "traditionally successful" but I have been on a ride that has been pretty wild at times. Death defying, devastating, insane, inebriated, laughable, joyful and even heart breaking at times. I made it through to the other side with my life, and most of my mind. I refuse to be counted out yet.
I am hoping that spring will bring calmer waters. That things will be on the up and up... I certainly hope so.
